“If we are faithless, He remains faithful; for He cannot deny Himself.”
2 Timothy 2:13
I shouldn’t have, I should have.
I know that, I feel this.
The sky’s falling versus the pieces are falling into place.
Those moments when it seems as if the “to be done” list is always longer than the “done” list and it feels as if time is flying yet it is taking its time to heal. Every day you wake and look forward but cannot help and catch a reflection of yesterday. Remembering some of the wins, recounting all of the losses.
Filled with faith but yet… not always convinced.
Not that I doubt God’s faithfulness of course, but my own.
At the end of the day when I recall those moments when I know I could have said something better or done something more. Those moments of weakness when I broke the promise to myself to wake up at this time or to not do that. Simple tasks such as eating better or sticking to my budget or to a schedule of any sort (such as writing this blog post).
And those are just the “small” things.
How can I profess to be faith filled when I struggle daily with being faithful? If I can’t make it through an overall mild Tuesday, what would make me believe I could survive the earth shattering and heart crushing days when more than my daily resources and time allotments are on the line?
Laying down at the end of the day and wondering can a God that good really love a person like me?
All of the doubts.
All of the fears.
All of the sticky situations.
When I knew better and when I didn’t.
When the tears come and despair knocks and the waves rise and the wind howls.
And I am thanking God again and again for every blessing, although… all the while knowing I have more to say. The reality being that He also knows I have more to say.
In this world it feels as if we are continually encouraged and tempted to hide whatever faults we have, whatever troubles we are carrying. Grin and bear it, if you will.
Don’t tell anyone that you struggle with that. Don’t suggest you’ve messed up. And don’t you dare admit you’re scared. Just leave it, it’s fine. Meanwhile, whatever it is grows bigger and eventually its darkness starts to envelop your life, primarily internally and eventually externally.
I didn’t see this coming. How did this happen? Who would have guessed?
God. God knew. God saw it coming. And?
He’s not surprised. He saw the storm coming before it was on the horizon.
He reached out to catch me before I began to fall.
And He is kneeling beside me as I get up the courage to look up.
Because the beautiful, outrageous truth is – even when I am faithless, He is faithful.
You see, the problem is a part of me at times forgets that God- the Creator of the Universe and everything in it- is able to handle my honesty. From the little bits to the boulders.
He can handle the fact that at times my heart hurts, that sometimes I struggle and still sometimes I fall.
He can handle the fact that even though I know who He is and believe in all of His promises and rely solely on His truths, I do not always act accordingly.
He can handle the tantrums and the scars and that I am not perfect.
Because He is.
And so long as I am willing to bring it all to Him, every messy piece I’d rather hide, I can handle it too.
There is a song and one of the lines in the chorus reads, Show me that You can handle my honesty. The whole song is wonderful, but that line sealed it for me the day I heard it.
Those words, that question, at first hit me and opened a prayer. Words I wanted to scream at the top of lungs in the moment and at the same time hesitated to whisper. I wasn’t sure I could handle my own honesty most days.
However, as quickly as that prayer opened so did several recollections of the times God in fact did show that He could handle my honesty. He who is always faithful had never turned His back on me, not even once, no matter how reluctant I was to let Him in and let Him see just how messy it was.
Those words reminded me that not only can God handle my honesty, but He embraces it.
And I hope this post serves as a Public Service Announcement because He can handle your honesty too. Every hard question and unspoken horror and hidden sorrow.
You will find that when you let go and spill everything to God – you can handle it too.
She spent time with God and that is what made her lovely.
It wasn’t that she was perfect, always made the right choices and never had a single doubt or fear.
The secret has always been that she spent time with God… and unloaded every hurting and ruined bit. She gave Him the ashes and in turn He built them into something more beautiful than could ever be imagined.
The take aways from all this:
He created me.
He loves me.
And He can handle me.
In response to the question posed by Mikeschair- Grace was made for people like me.
** Song by Mikeschair, Title: People Like Me