Coffeeshop Tears

“I would have despaired had I not believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for and confidently expect the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes wait for and confidently expect the Lord.”

Psalms 27:13-14

In all fairness I had been expecting it… until I wasn’t…

I am an expert of few things, however over the past few years I have achieved quite the understanding of how health insurance operates- particularly when you have been diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder and put on an impressively costly monthly treatment.

I will note that I do not discount my blessings- my journey with multiple sclerosis has been nothing short of miraculous. No matter the case when I wake tomorrow, I can honestly and whole heartedly say, I have no complaints.

God is good all the time- All the time God is good (Meanwhile, some of these antibodies of mine though…)

The symptoms I have experienced have been minimal in comparison to the effects my scans say should have been felt. Flares, all but non-existent. My medical team, 110% plus in care and warrior spirit. My God, beyond faithful in holding my spiritual head and heart high- and my physical back together.

Honestly, after 3+ years I do not really pay much mind to the MS.

I do what I can, I trust my doctors to make the calls that they can and I trust my God to do what only He can- in accordance with His will.

However, I do not trust my health insurance.

… In reality that is not wholly fair.

But it is honest.

And I do understand. I have a MBA, basic math abilities and simple deduction skills- my monthly premium will not be making up for these health costs.

It used to… but not now… I’m sure my health insurance people miss my 27 year old self as much as my body does- dreaming of the days before my own antibodies went rogue and declared mutiny. (Shout out to the resistance keeping them in check!)

However, focusing, this post is actually not about health insurance red tape (well… kind of… but not really)

(Also momentary intermission to say my heart goes out to everyone who works in the insurance field- we could not do life without you, be it home, auto or health- and I know most of you do not get to draw the lines.)

Coming back to the purpose, I had been prepared for a new year and a new health insurance to pull out new obstacles in getting my treatment.

And it was okay.

I scheduled my typical appointment a week and a half later than normal in order to allow the time the doctor thought we would need to get the approval.

Even then, I was prepared for a setback.

But it didn’t come- I got the emails confirming the appointment the day before, I did check-in and I could not believe how smoothly it had all gone…

And thankful, because 12 days over my due date, I noted that some symptoms (small ones) may be re-emerging.

I was in the coffeeshop when the call came. The appointment had to be postponed- TBA.

And I started to tear up. And then I started to cry. In the coffeeshop.

I love the coffeeshop, I did not think I could cry while getting coffee in my best coffeeshop.

But here we are (or I suppose there we were).

Now this was not a torrential down pour of tears. I breathed my way through it. I mentally held to my truth.

My sister ordered and brought me my coffee (double thanks) and I explained it was not bad news, and really not unexpected, it was just hard news. Inconvenient news. News I had prepared for- and then thought I had escaped.

It was difficult- health insurance is difficult to begin with, this situation is difficult by nature, and my mind was attempting to make it more difficult-

I was 11 different reactions wrapped up in one person.

Rogue antibodies are one thing- rogue thoughts are another.

So I’ll confess when I got home, I cried- but I mean really cried this time.

Now that was not my plan, my plan was to sit down and pray… journal… read… whatever I needed to do to take the rogue thoughts captive and submit them to Christ and to go about my homework or writing or whatever it was next on the list of activities…

However, a few words in and I just crumbled. I was confused. I was upset. I was ready to either flip a table in defiance or sit on the floor in defeat and there were just tears that needed to be spent-

And as my tears asked all the questions and wondered all the thoughts my words couldn’t make out- I felt that still small voice come beside me, asking Do you still believe I love you?

It was a question asked in a voice as vulnerable as I felt and posed in a tone as reassuring as if the last three words were spoken as a statement- not a question.

And I nodded yes as I recounted His deliverance, His faithfulness, the battles and the bruises and the blessings and the break-throughs.

My tears turned to laughter (I am sure Reyna thought I had lost it) as I recalled His victories and Victory.

Remembering I do not need to trust a health insurance company, not when all my trust is forever in Him.

So… fast forward a couple of weeks and a few days- my infusion was officially scheduled yesterday for Tuesday and my checkup with my doctor in the books for that same day, conveniently enough.

He’s good.

I meant to post this a couple of weeks ago, closer to the day, but with a resolution in hand- I still felt the need to share. If for no other reason than to declare hope over my antibodies’ declared mutiny.

Also, that day, when I cried in the coffeeshop, and more so at home- I did get to my prayer, journal and books.

And it is the words within this prayer from Chaplain David Rapp that I want to leave you with- if, again, for no other reason than to submit further evidence of just how good He is;

I feel so vulnerable, In my waiting- Vulnerable to infection and fever, Vulnerable to worry and fear. Protect me, Lord. Surround me with Your protection from these evils. Even in my waiting make me an encourager of faith, of hope, of peace and forgiveness of others. So that I, too, can be a healer of spirit and body. I am counting on Your Goodness and power today, certain in my faith that these current trials will pass and that in Your Goodness all will be well.

-Chaplain David Rapp,

Prayers And Thoughts: A Devotional for the Sick and Those Who Care For Them

Blessings to you all and more, I pray His revelation settles on you and His discernment calls you to recognize just how loved and valuable you are- and I pray that you believe it.

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