“Lord, you understand me; remember me and care for me. Avenge me on my persecutors. You are long-suffering- do not take me away; think of how I suffer reproach for your sake.” Jeremiah 15:15
28. Another year. Remarkable in its own right, the feat of the passing of time.
And what a year it was. A few weddings, a couple of road trips, graduate classes, youth group, birthday parties and childlike laughter. Friends and family. Driving through the Scottish Highlands. The sight of the Appalachian mountains and the vision of the picture beyond hope and yet lovingly delivered of Jamie and Jesus.
The places we’ve been and the wonders we’ve seen, both abroad and on home base. All the works of His glorious hands. From mountains and campfires to paintings and papers.
Dreams that were laid to rest and dreams that were born. Startling loss and miraculous healing. Running the race and being carried through the storm.
So much has changed and yet so much remains the same. The more I learn the more I realize I don’t know.
I don’t know where I am going.
I don’t know where every path will lead.
Sometimes I don’t know what to say.
And oftentimes I don’t know if I have it right. These places I am and these things I am doing and the priorities I am placing.
So the big question is… What do I know at 28…
I know that not knowing can be overwhelming.
I know that not knowing can be scary.
I know that not knowing is unacceptable to a world which depends on the security provided in an answer.
Most Importantly, I now know that not knowing is actually okay- as long as your eyes are on the One who does know.
The One who is not surprised by your weaknesses.
The One who is unphased by your doubts, fears and hard questions.
The One who loves you completely and uncompromisingly.
The One who understands you.
One big thing I learned this past year my friend, is that I had one more unaddressed fear to face. Honestly, it had never came across my mind as all out fear. But as I sat and discussed with God the events that had passed and events yet to come, it was as if a light was turned on.
As you know, I kicked the word fear out of my vocabulary back in year 26. Aside from the fear of the Lord, there is no room for it in my life. And knowing that, calls for a celebration of its own.
But, there was still one more fear to address. Can you guess it bud? It’s one that I hadn’t realized didn’t exist before God called you home. With you here, there was no room for it. With you gone, it came quickly and in full force. To be honest, it really didn’t have to come at all because I know it was already there at the door, waiting for its moment to make its appearance. Your friendship and love kept it at bay, in the darkness I fell in following your heavenly birthday it began to dig in its roots.
The fear of being misunderstood.
I have always used a lot of words be it speaking or writing. And this is partially because I enjoy “using my words”. However, God has shown me that it is also partially because at times I fear that my words won’t appropriately convey my meaning. That they will fall short or be misinterpreted. Sometimes it keeps me from saying anything, or from saying the “whole” truth. The fear of being misunderstood.
It’s an actual fear. And this past year I was given the official diagnosis.
As I was praying and words were flowing too fast and thoughts running at full speed, I caught the statement “God, please understand” as part of the mantra coming from lips. God please understand.
They won’t understand why I feel this way, they won’t agree with this next step or know why I have to take this chance. Oh God, please, they don’t understand. They don’t see it and my words are not sufficient. Am I wrong? Are they right? Can you give me a clue? Like a little one… like playing the hot / cold game? I have been wrong so many times. Am I close? I think I have it, but what if I don’t? What if I don’t get it? What if I am wrong and fail? What if I am not understanding?
And then above the noise running through my mind I heard the silence, and the silence whispered, I understand you.
Not scathing or annoyed. But lovingly and reassuringly. He didn’t calm the storm or fix all the things. He didn’t even tell me I was right or give me a little clue.
But He told me everything I genuinely needed to know- He understands me.
And He still loves me.
And maybe I will fail. Maybe it is all in vain. But maybe it’s not.
At 28 I have realized that I am not supposed to know everything, all I have to know is Him.
And my friend, that has been a game changer.
You knew my heart and that made all the difference. God created my heart and that makes all the difference.
So going into 28 I am happy to let you know I no longer fear being misunderstood.
Your light is still continuously right beside me and your legacy continues to shine.
We still love and miss you, possibly more than ever, but when we see you again, there will be no more goodbyes.
In the meantime God has a plan I don’t understand, but He understands me.
And I know He will teach me the lessons my heart needs in His own way and in His own time, no matter how bad I would prefer a cheat sheet now.
I am still going to use a lot of words, but only because I enjoy “using my words”.
You always said I would write a book. I think 28 may be a good year for that.
Here’s to 28 my friend (give mom all our love),
God, let the shenanigans continue, I may not understand but I know You and that is all I really need to know.